A Few Things I've Learned

1. The Holy Ghost is called "The Comforter" for a reason
2. Just because I've experienced tragedy in my life doesn't mean I'm exempt from other trials
3. There's a big difference between crying and weeping
4. Families can pull immeasurably closer after experiencing a member's death
5. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but rather of humility
6. Memories are more than a sum total of photos and videos
7. I need to continue to look for positive expressions of my negative emotions
8. Christ knows and understands what we've been through as a family
9. God answers prayers in remarkably cool ways
10. Peter checks up on us occasionally

Taking a Different Approach This Year

Many people have asked if we will be doing anything special to commemorate the 2nd anniversary of Peter's passing this week.  To be honest, we really haven't planned anything other than our own personal reflection when the 11th arrives.  For Peter's birthday, we celebrated as a family by having his favorite dinner (tacos), played his favorite game (Pokemon Master Trainer) and ate angel food cake for dessert.  Tina and I will more than likely take time this weekend to visit the cemetary this weekend, but other than that, we do not think that we will extend our observance of this anniversary to anything more than that.  Peter continues to be a part of each day of my life, and reminders of him live all around me in our home, church and neighborhood.  The memories bring less and less pain, however, and when I reflect on Peter, I spend more time thanking God that he was a part of my life for as long as he was rather than sinking into sadness.  Life is good, and I am grateful for the many blessings I receive every day.  I have a beautiful wife, three wonderful children who are still with me in this life, I have a great job, and God is helping us heal every day. 

Upcoming Study

Tina and I were approached last month by a representative of the Marc Apodeca Jr. Children's Glioma CancerFoundation to participate in a study.  The study is a joint venture between the foundation and Brigham Young University to examine the effects of a DIPG on the family as a whole, and Tina and I readily agreed to participate.  Phase I involves filling out a detailed intake sheet which will be followed by several lengthy interviews and ultimately sharing anything the facilitators believe will gauge how Peter's illness and death impacted us.  We plan on spending some time this weekend going over the intake sheet, and I'm sure that we will be referring frequently to the journal we kept so religiously over the course of his illness as well as in the aftermath of his death.  Exploring the feelings associated with the Peter's death took a great deal of "heavy lifting", yet together we did it time and time again; I don't anticipate that reviewing our feelings for this study will be as difficult as it was initially, but I'm sure we will relive some very poignant moments. 

The Refiner's Fire

I've heard the analogy of the refiner's fire used consistently when people discuss life's afflictions and the trials we each endure.  The idea is that when the refiner of metal begins working with raw ore, he must do something extreme in order to change the ore from its current, worthless state into something useful, beautiful and precious.  The refiner must subject the ore to heat.  He must subject it to A LOT of heat!  For the refiner to do his work, the ore must be heated to a point where the solid, rock-like substance liquifies and begins to separate into its constituent components allowing the refiner to discard impurities, the granular slag that is good for little more than paving material.  If the process works correctly, the refiner retains nothing but the precious, refined metal in its super-heated liquified state.  In this state, the metal is now completely malleable and can be shaped into whatever the refiner desires it to become: a tool, a machine part, a decorative ornament, or perhaps something neutral, such as a sheet, a bar or an ingot, in which form it will remain until it is needed for a yet-to-be determined purpose.   From my own experience, I can testify that God works with his children in much the same way.   He sees the eternal potential in each of us and wants to make us into something better than we can make of ourselves; however, in order to do that, he too  needs to turn up the heat.  The challenges, losses, illnesses, and trials of our lives can serve to soften our hearts and open our minds allowing God to enter and begin to remake us into what he wants us to be.  The trick is trusting God during the refining process.  I need to believe that the end result is worth the sometimes painful process and that he has a plan for me and my family.  I find that when I submit myself to God's will, exercise faith and trust that he is making me into something better by having me pass through the crucible of this life, I can experience joy even when heat is on.   

Approaching Holidays

This year, the holidays don't hold as much trepidation for me as they did last year.  Our choice to celebrate Christmas away from home last year felt like the wise thing to do since we didn't want to do any comparisons to the picture-perfect Christmas of 2007; Peter's tumor was stable, he was feeling energetic, and he simply devoured all of the Christmas spirit we could throw at him!  His absence last year greatly influenced our decision to pack up the car and drive to Florida for a week to celebrate in a way we had never done before, and we made some amazing memories with the Parkinsons and each other that made last Christmas more memorable than I could have ever hoped it would be.  This year, we are going to go back to celebrating at home, and next week will mark the beginning of what I'm sure will be a rich and emotional month of celebration leading up to Christmas morning.  The trimming of our tree will be the activity which I'm sure will stir some of the fondest and most powerful memories; each of our children has many ornaments associated with them, either because they made them or because we purchased them with that particular child in mind.  Hanging Peter's ornaments as well as his stocking will serve to not only honor his memory, but it will also remind us that although we can no longer see him among us, he's very much present in all of our thoughts.  Building and decorating our gingerbread house, cutting our paper snowflakes, baking Christmas cookies, and reenacting the Nativity on Christmas Eve will all remind me of the joy Peter had during his last Christmas with us.  I'm sure that many more things will remind me of Peter as Christmas approaches, and I think I'm ready for it.  What I mean is that I'm prepared to feel the emotion of missing him and allowing tears to flow perhaps a little more frequently than they do at other times during the year.  It's okay to miss him, and it's okay to feel sad for a time; when I let those feelings flow, they tend to leave behind feelings of peace and reassurance that life is progressing the way that it needs to and that Peter is where he needs to be right now.  I will see him again, and my Savior Jesus Christ, whose coming into the world we will celebrate this Christmas, makes my ultimate reunion with Peter possible.

Time to Get Writing Again

Some people get distracted for a few moments, but I apparently can be distracted for much longer periods of time! What can I say? Life has really thrown a lot of new wrinkles our way over the past four months, including sending a son to college and me starting a new career. On top of all that, I finally put my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone and my hand to the plough and submitted the manuscript for Peter's book to Covenant Publishing. Now that things are beginning to settle down a bit, I feel like I can devote a bit more time to the writing that I depend on so much. For many people, writing is a chore or a necessary evil, and I can completely understand that; however, for me, it is a lifeline. Writing allows me to truly examine the current state of my mind and heart, and I do it pretty much every day. I admire people who write for a living, but although I would like to see at least one story published to the world, writing in and of itself is the important thing to me. I plan on writing about every topic I can think of on this blog for the foreseeable future, but I think I will always come back to how Peter's passing continues to shape and reshape my way of looking at life, death and the purpose of it all. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes of it.

Summer Happenings

Mom's masterpiece

The proud grandmas!

The whole family flanking the graduate

All decked out!

This summer has been busy for the entire family, but especially for our two oldest, Nathan and Spencer. Since Nate's graduation on June 5th, the boys have been on a week-long back-packing trip to New Mexico with our ward's young men, and they just returned from a week down in San Antonio attending our church's youth camp called Especially For Youth, or EFY. I'm proud of my boys and the young men they are rapidly becoming; they both stood in church today and bore their testimonies of the gospel, and they always keep things fun and lively here at home. I'm attaching a few pics of Nate's graduation, and he was particulary proud of cake his mom made for him declaring to the world that he is a BYU Cougar at last! Lindsey's been just as busy with Girl's Camp and keeping up with her friends here at home (we just haven't been as diligent about taking pictures to share!). She is not happy with the fact that summer is now a third of the way over!