Upcoming Study

Tina and I were approached last month by a representative of the Marc Apodeca Jr. Children's Glioma CancerFoundation to participate in a study.  The study is a joint venture between the foundation and Brigham Young University to examine the effects of a DIPG on the family as a whole, and Tina and I readily agreed to participate.  Phase I involves filling out a detailed intake sheet which will be followed by several lengthy interviews and ultimately sharing anything the facilitators believe will gauge how Peter's illness and death impacted us.  We plan on spending some time this weekend going over the intake sheet, and I'm sure that we will be referring frequently to the journal we kept so religiously over the course of his illness as well as in the aftermath of his death.  Exploring the feelings associated with the Peter's death took a great deal of "heavy lifting", yet together we did it time and time again; I don't anticipate that reviewing our feelings for this study will be as difficult as it was initially, but I'm sure we will relive some very poignant moments. 

The Refiner's Fire

I've heard the analogy of the refiner's fire used consistently when people discuss life's afflictions and the trials we each endure.  The idea is that when the refiner of metal begins working with raw ore, he must do something extreme in order to change the ore from its current, worthless state into something useful, beautiful and precious.  The refiner must subject the ore to heat.  He must subject it to A LOT of heat!  For the refiner to do his work, the ore must be heated to a point where the solid, rock-like substance liquifies and begins to separate into its constituent components allowing the refiner to discard impurities, the granular slag that is good for little more than paving material.  If the process works correctly, the refiner retains nothing but the precious, refined metal in its super-heated liquified state.  In this state, the metal is now completely malleable and can be shaped into whatever the refiner desires it to become: a tool, a machine part, a decorative ornament, or perhaps something neutral, such as a sheet, a bar or an ingot, in which form it will remain until it is needed for a yet-to-be determined purpose.   From my own experience, I can testify that God works with his children in much the same way.   He sees the eternal potential in each of us and wants to make us into something better than we can make of ourselves; however, in order to do that, he too  needs to turn up the heat.  The challenges, losses, illnesses, and trials of our lives can serve to soften our hearts and open our minds allowing God to enter and begin to remake us into what he wants us to be.  The trick is trusting God during the refining process.  I need to believe that the end result is worth the sometimes painful process and that he has a plan for me and my family.  I find that when I submit myself to God's will, exercise faith and trust that he is making me into something better by having me pass through the crucible of this life, I can experience joy even when heat is on.   

Approaching Holidays

This year, the holidays don't hold as much trepidation for me as they did last year.  Our choice to celebrate Christmas away from home last year felt like the wise thing to do since we didn't want to do any comparisons to the picture-perfect Christmas of 2007; Peter's tumor was stable, he was feeling energetic, and he simply devoured all of the Christmas spirit we could throw at him!  His absence last year greatly influenced our decision to pack up the car and drive to Florida for a week to celebrate in a way we had never done before, and we made some amazing memories with the Parkinsons and each other that made last Christmas more memorable than I could have ever hoped it would be.  This year, we are going to go back to celebrating at home, and next week will mark the beginning of what I'm sure will be a rich and emotional month of celebration leading up to Christmas morning.  The trimming of our tree will be the activity which I'm sure will stir some of the fondest and most powerful memories; each of our children has many ornaments associated with them, either because they made them or because we purchased them with that particular child in mind.  Hanging Peter's ornaments as well as his stocking will serve to not only honor his memory, but it will also remind us that although we can no longer see him among us, he's very much present in all of our thoughts.  Building and decorating our gingerbread house, cutting our paper snowflakes, baking Christmas cookies, and reenacting the Nativity on Christmas Eve will all remind me of the joy Peter had during his last Christmas with us.  I'm sure that many more things will remind me of Peter as Christmas approaches, and I think I'm ready for it.  What I mean is that I'm prepared to feel the emotion of missing him and allowing tears to flow perhaps a little more frequently than they do at other times during the year.  It's okay to miss him, and it's okay to feel sad for a time; when I let those feelings flow, they tend to leave behind feelings of peace and reassurance that life is progressing the way that it needs to and that Peter is where he needs to be right now.  I will see him again, and my Savior Jesus Christ, whose coming into the world we will celebrate this Christmas, makes my ultimate reunion with Peter possible.

Time to Get Writing Again

Some people get distracted for a few moments, but I apparently can be distracted for much longer periods of time! What can I say? Life has really thrown a lot of new wrinkles our way over the past four months, including sending a son to college and me starting a new career. On top of all that, I finally put my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone and my hand to the plough and submitted the manuscript for Peter's book to Covenant Publishing. Now that things are beginning to settle down a bit, I feel like I can devote a bit more time to the writing that I depend on so much. For many people, writing is a chore or a necessary evil, and I can completely understand that; however, for me, it is a lifeline. Writing allows me to truly examine the current state of my mind and heart, and I do it pretty much every day. I admire people who write for a living, but although I would like to see at least one story published to the world, writing in and of itself is the important thing to me. I plan on writing about every topic I can think of on this blog for the foreseeable future, but I think I will always come back to how Peter's passing continues to shape and reshape my way of looking at life, death and the purpose of it all. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes of it.

Summer Happenings

Mom's masterpiece

The proud grandmas!

The whole family flanking the graduate

All decked out!

This summer has been busy for the entire family, but especially for our two oldest, Nathan and Spencer. Since Nate's graduation on June 5th, the boys have been on a week-long back-packing trip to New Mexico with our ward's young men, and they just returned from a week down in San Antonio attending our church's youth camp called Especially For Youth, or EFY. I'm proud of my boys and the young men they are rapidly becoming; they both stood in church today and bore their testimonies of the gospel, and they always keep things fun and lively here at home. I'm attaching a few pics of Nate's graduation, and he was particulary proud of cake his mom made for him declaring to the world that he is a BYU Cougar at last! Lindsey's been just as busy with Girl's Camp and keeping up with her friends here at home (we just haven't been as diligent about taking pictures to share!). She is not happy with the fact that summer is now a third of the way over!

Big Week for Nate

Our oldest son, Nathan is a very busy boy this week. He graduates from high school next Friday, and he is knee-deep in all of the wrap-up concerts and awards ceremonies. He finished in the top 10% of his class and was awarded one of the two outstanding band students for this year. Tonight, he had double duty; he spoke at Seminary Graduation at church at 7 p.m., and as soon as he was finished, he changed into his band tux and drove like mad to the high school so that he could perform in his final high school concert and be honored as a graduating senior. He has loved his high school experience, and he is looking forward to his freshman year at Brigham Young University starting this Fall. Since Nate won't turn eighteen until July, he will be able to go to a complete year of college before he goes on his mission next Summer. He's quite simply a fine, outstanding young man, and I am very proud to be his dad.

Sorry...It's Been Too Long

Since the anniversary of Peter's death, life has taken many interesting twists and turns for the Barr Family. First off, we packed up the family and took a long-planned, two-week trip to Europe, leaving on Saturday, March 14th and returning Sunday, March 29th. Even before Peter's illness, we knew that we wanted to make one last special trip as a family before Nathan graduated from high school and before we all went our separate ways. We saved our tax returns for more than four years in preparation for this event, and as we realized that Peter would not be making the trip with us, it took on an even greater significance. We toyed with the idea of not taking the trip, or perhaps scaling it down somewhat to make it more affordable; however, shortly after Peter's passing, we realized how much we needed to make this the trip of a lifetime. Tina spend months pouring over Rick Steves' travel guides for Germany, Austria, the Netherland and Belgium, and we began working out the budget. Ultimately, we purchased round trip tickets from Dallas to Munich (via Atlanta), rented a mini-van, and covered over two thousand miles of European bliss in the two weeks we were gone. We saw and did things that I believe the children had only imagined, and we were able to relive some of my fondest memories as a missionary in the Netherlands over twenty years ago, hooking up with friends and acquaintances who played a pivotal role in my two years of service back in the eighties. The trip was a whirlwind, and as all wonderful things in life, it was over before we knew it; we did, however, take over 800 pictures and kept a meticulous journal of our travels, so anytime we want to relive the memories, they are right before our eyes.

Since returning home, life has been in fast forward. Work for me has been more demanding than in any other time in my twelve-year career with my company, and the children are on the downhill run toward the end of school. Tina continues to work at the Cake Stand in McKinney and enjoys working for a business that really utilizes her talents and gives her artistic side a great deal of room for expression. Nathan graduates from school a week from this Saturday and will begin his college journey at the end of August at Brigham Young University. This time next year, he will be anxiously waiting for his own mission call to arrive, and we can't wait to learn where in the world the Lord wants him to serve. Spencer completely loves soccer and orchestra, and he will likely be one of the varsity goal keepers next season as well as an officer and concert master in orchestra. Lindsey is excited to have her first year of middle school behind her, and she has her sights set on participating in athletics next year, both in track and perhaps in tennis as well! We continue to count our blessings in spite of the trials and challenges life places in our path, and we rely continually on the Lord to help us make sense of the great changes that continue to happen in our lives. Peter is always with us. We visited his grave today as part of our Memorial Day observance (okay, he's not a veteran, but he did fight a great battle!). Tina, Nathan and I all dreamed about him over the past few weeks, and he seemed to be offering each of us comfort. For me, he was giving me a great big hug, which was priceless. My son's death has turned my world upside down in many ways, some of which I never expected, yet I have to believe that all things are working out the way the Lord intends them to. We are slowly learning that life can go on, and the surges of grief, though they still occur, are farther apart and take place with less intensity. We know that Peter is in a wonderful place, and even if he misses us as much as we miss him, we all know that we will see each other again and enjoy the family bond we all cherished while he lived among us.